So far, I got rejected a lot this year.
It stings, but I know it’s part of the publishing/writer process, so I’m not giving up. But I do feel sadness over what I thought was going to be. I’m spinning, realizing I have a new future I could carve out right in front of me. I have very few constraints on my life at this stage, and theoretically, I could go anywhere; be anything. It’s daunting, but I’m trying to lean into the excitement of new possibilities. But more than careers and education, I feel a story brimming under the surface. It’s so close, I can feel it: under my tongue, twisting under my fingertips, begging to be released. It’s there. I just have no idea what it is. I’ve dabbled with my short stories; I’ve jotted down poems and worked on screenplays. I’ve looked at past novels and characters, tried cramming worlds together. Nothing quite gets it. I just get images, flashes of something and fragments of feeling. It’s frustrating, but maybe I should let it be. The truth is, I think my residency at the Arab American National Museum kickstarted a new era in my life. And going back to my old life, everything as it was, doesn’t feel right. I’m craving a change. So this is where I leave you, dear reader. On the cusp of change, possibly, or onto a new story that's blossoming somewhere in my creative ether. Maybe that's why life feels a little harder lately. Either way, I know things will work out in the end...
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I do know how to use a semicolon. My annual rewatch of To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018) has come early this year. This is one of my ultimate comfort movies; a film that never fails to bring a smile to my face and warmth to my icy heart (and yes, I know I used that semicolon incorrectly).
Despite the fact that this is my fifth rewatch (or perhaps because of it), I find that TATBILB is still helping me reach new realizations. I’ve always related to Lara Jean Covey. I too was a shy, stay out of everyone’s way type of gal in high school with a history that involved a back-stabbing best friend who thought she was better than you. I also avoided romance like the plague, despite dreaming about it. Okay, maybe I still do. And of course, maybe my favorite thing Lara Jean and I have in common: we’re both hyphen children! Yet, this time, I’m able to connect to Lara Jean’s entire story EVEN MORE. I’ve always understood why she was so afraid to get close to anyone else outside of her family, but how, I also understand how she’s able to overcome it. She changes her story. Not without the support of family and real friends encouraging her along the way. I also see the relationship with her sister with new eyes. I always thought I had to be just like my sister to have an amazing relationship. But now, we’re actually enjoying each other’s company not despite our differences, but because of them. The connection between the three sisters that is present throughout the film is one of my favorite things about the series. What other rom-com prioritizes family AND romance in the best way!? None of them. Tangent aside, Lara Jean realizes she doesn’t have to be afraid of trusting someone else; she sees it can even be freeing, despite how scary it is (see, I DO know how to use a semicolon). The ending scene highlights it best: Lara Jean gets in her car, confidently drives to Peter, and lets him know just how she feels. In a freshman seminar class, we analyzed this scene together. We noted how she finally gained the confidence to drive the damn car, and how it symbolized her newfound belief in herself. I also wish we had brought up confidence’s cousin, trust. At the end of the film, Lara Jean finally trusts herself. When she confesses her undying love to Peter, he asks her to trust him. I think she does, but, more importantly, I think she’s ready to have a boyfriend because she trusts herself. And that’s my five years late review of TATBILB. Oh, how I love the low stakes of this blog. Cheers, and ‘till next time! P.S. I think I have a newfound appreciation for (1) Jenny Han’s ridiculous, amazing talent for crafting utterly real and lovable characters and (2) Lisa Olivera’s book, Already Enough, which has put me in the mindset for such realizations to occur from my beloved comfort film. Please buy their books so they can keep making stuff. 'Tis the damn season - T.S. I methodically brush avocado oil on pieces of thinly sliced tempeh. I watch as the green tinted oil slips into the triangles of creamy colored tempeh. Then I sprinkle with seasoning; a rich mix of garlic, onion, and smoked paprika.
It strikes me, as I’m doing all of this in between a day of working from home, that baking or cooking seems much more pleasurable in the winter. Winter, which has never been my favorite month, offers something new this year: the chance to slow down and retreat inwards. This isn’t a new idea. Many have pointed out how his time of year as a moment for hibernation, reflection, and ultimately, regrowth. But never before had I felt it for myself. This year, as I remain busy with grad school applications, work, and dog rescue, along with my personal goals as a writer, I retreat from my summer ways. I go out less, I spend less, and socialize less (no, it’s not seasonal depression). I’ve just found that I’m satisfied with my work; content with days that are more cozy than exciting, although sometimes I yearn for the breathless rush of December clubbing, warm dance floors and frigid exits into cityscapes adorned with glimmering lights. I’ll still be dreaming of such excursions, but for now, I’m content with winter as it approaches: lots of baking, comforting and enthralling movies, fantasy books, and visiting the friends I hold near and dear to my heart. This season of life is about change; about adjustment, something my friend, Jullianne Tran, pointed out to me when she shared a collaborative Spotify playlist with me, aptly titled “change.” By the way, you should check out the work she does — including subscribing to her newsletter, which is a delight to receive.
For us graduates, the first year post-college feels like a huge adjustment. Or maybe not. But I think for anyone who loved school a little too much, that statement rings true. It has been strange, moving from classes that occur all throughout the day, including the evening, to an 8 to 5 schedule. I was someone who always avoided AM classes — my days started at 11am most times, a luxury I would use for self-care or for writing time — so it is strange to be up with the dawn, and to be expected to work in four hour chunks. The part of my brain that craves control, that sort of feels like it’s losing it all if I can’t have it, protests from time to time. I have to mentally talk myself down from a ledge, but now, after a few months at my job (which is WFH, thankfully!), I have settled into a routine. Albeit one I wish had a little more flexibility. But I’m trying to adjust. I’m trying to recognize this season of life, as they say, for what it is. Maybe it’s not summer or spring. I most likely feel myself residing in a late fall, preparing for warmer days while knowing that winter is indeed coming. It means less time for pleasure reading and writing, more time for working on MFA applications. It means less nights of wanton abandon, and more nights of preparing for the next day and going to bed early. I don’t always like it, but I’m adjusting. No matter what season of life you find yourself in, I hope these lines from Percy Shelley’s poem, “Mutability”, brings you comfort, as it does to me. It is the same!—For, be it joy or sorrow, The path of its departure still is free: Man's yesterday may ne'er be like his morrow; Nought may endure but Mutability. Things I Really Adored in August:
Films/TV/Podcasts
General Loves
It's the little things that make me happy. What makes you happy? |